Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
