Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
