My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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