remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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