If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
