just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
