Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
