I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
