ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
