Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
