your parents love me but you hate me
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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