If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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