Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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