I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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