btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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