I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize