when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
