Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
