what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
