he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
