I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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