For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
