this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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