the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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