I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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