The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize