i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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