I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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