I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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