We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
