I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
