The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
