apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
