counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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