Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
