1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
