I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
