my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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