I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
