Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
