i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
