guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
