I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
