I am midnight drunk by noon
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
