So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
