Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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