if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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