his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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