I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
