Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
