i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize