so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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