On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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