I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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