I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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