You made me cry and you don't even care
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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