Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
